Funny list of every day thoughts
Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.
When I go to bed hungry, I feel like I should to be skinnier when I wake up.
On July 5, 1985 the Doc from Back to the Future set the flux capacitor’s clock in the Delorean 25 years into the future. That was yesterday. Where’s my hoverboard?
Birthplace? Childhood best friend? Try coming up with online banking security questions that do not have such obvious answers to anyone who knows me. Example: Person I secretly want to sleep with? Whose gerbil did I accidently kill in 3rd grade?
Considering how much effort everyone puts into grooming, shaving, or waxing their junk, we really ought to have more nakey-time.
Nothing improves the relationship between you and your siblings quite like moving out.
Has anyone else noticed that you could be nodding off at your computer or tv forever, but once you finally stand up to go to bed you’re suddenly wide awake?
Sometimes I feel like life isn’t just like a box of chocolates. Sometimes I feel like life is like an Almond Joy Bar. You know what you’re going to get, and it sucks.
Playing Catchphrase this weekend, my uncle blurted out, “I gave you one last night!” My aunt replied, “Pearl necklace!” She was right… but it was just so wrong.
If real scientists discovered a pill that actually increased penis size, how would they advertise it? I’m pretty sure their email campaign would be a complete failure.
I never feel like more of a loser than when I’m stressed all day because I forgot my phone at home and I’m sure there are dozens of messages I’m missing, but when I finally get home and rush to my phone I have actually missed nothing.
I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, because otherwise, I’m certain I would be murdered in their parking lot.
I just finished writing an essay comparing the US to the UK. The essay had to be at least twenty pages. You bet your ass I wrote out “the United States of America” and “the United Kingdom” every single time.
Nothing tests your creative side like accidentally swearing in front of a small child. “What the fu-fu-focaccia is a tasty bread.”
I wonder how long after Dorothy got home that she wished she still had those ruby slippers to sell and buy a ticket to get the fuck out of Kansas.
You never know how much worthless crap you have until it’s time to move out. Then you find the stuff that has no business moving with you, yet you still pack it.
Shouldn’t Justin Bieber be singing his own song on the Kidz Bop CD?
I hate the feeling after coming out of the shower on a hot day when you can’t figure out if you didn’t dry yourself off enough or you’re already sweating again
People are always shocked when they find out I don’t drink that often. I’ve had to come up with a good reply, “I’m plenty loud and promiscuous without alcohol” usually does the trick.
Shouldn’t it be called the ceiling of your mouth?
My buddy and his wife just found out they were having a girl. Instead of a congratulatory text, I sent him one that said “DIBS!” Pretty sure I just ruined my chances at being named the Godfather.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Sometimes I’d rather get into an accident and end up in the hospital on my way to work than to actually go to work.
Why didn’t the Weasleys just magic themselves a badass house?
Mcdonald’s sells four chicken nuggets for $1, and ten nuggets for $3.39. People still buy ten piece nuggets. I simply do not understand.
Whenever I hear someone with an insanely complicated coffee order, I’m forced to wonder: how much trial and error did they have to go through before they settled on half french vanilla half decaf kona blend, extra light, with four splendas?
Probably one of the worst parts about coming back from a long vacation is realizing that everything still functioned without me being there. If I’m going to face and accept my uselessness, at least it’ll be with a tan.
After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.
Nothing motivates me more to get up early in the morning than a full bladder.
Don’t give me that look, furniture sales guy. If I’m going to spend $300 on a futon I need to know that it can stand up to a good hard fucking. If you have a better way to test it then I’m all ears.
Girls have hundreds of different faces and poses for “party pictures.” Faux kiss of the other girl in the picture, exaggerated pout… guys- one face and one pose. Take this stupid fucking picture already so I can get back to eating and drinking.
When someone at work says “give me 10 minutes” and then forgets to get back to me, I like to remind them a week later as if I’ve been waiting the whole time. “Uh Bob? It’s been almost 10,000 minutes…do you still need more time?”
If only those tight shirts with the bedazzled wings on the back that some guys wear would allow them to fly far, far away, the world just might be a better place.
Long hair is nice and all until you have to walk downwind. Then in transmogrifies into a billion legged octopus that seems to want to mate with your nostrils.
How is it that on TV shows whenever anyway says “Turn on the TV,” it’s automatically on the right news channel? If somebody tells me to turn on the TV, they’re gonna see whatever shitty Disney show I was watching, not the six o’clock news.
I read an article today entitled “13 things a burglar won’t tell you.” Last time I checked, any half decent burglar is usually going to keep the casual conversation to a minimum.
There are few people in the world I trust more than the apple store guy who tells me to just get a cheaper ipod case at best buy.
Who’s the asshole that decided the normal work day should be from 9-5? How about 12-8 when people are actually awake and productive?
If you stop in front of me in a grocery store aisle, with your cart perfectly positioned so that I must wait while you decide what kind of pasta you want, I will literally punch you in the face.
Tracing was essentially the elementary school version of plagiarism.
While travelling abroad, I got an infection that landed me in the hospital. I lost a ton of weight, which makes it the best vacation ever.
The irony of a 4th of July wedding never ceases to amuse me. Independence Day? Ha.
Having a cute phrase like Tuesday Boozeday makes drinking on a weeknight more acceptable.
Who’d have thought that the average number of sexual partners for women is 6? 6? Not even in the double digits! Did they not survey all the sluts in college and bars? And by sluts, I mean my friends.
There’s not necessarily a right way to load a dishwasher, but there is definitely a wrong way.
Why is that every time I see a movie in a theater I seem to get directional amnesia? I swear, when I first step out into that hall I have no clue which way leads to blinding freedom or deeper into the cavernous abyss that is the modern-day multiplex.
All sink faucet heads should be able to work with water balloons.
I just took a sleeping pill that expired 4 months ago. Now, the true test will be whether or not it still works and I fall asleep or I never wake up. Science is fun.
I know it demonstrates just how little I understand about how things work, but I really feel like a dead battery should weigh less than a new battery.
If you don’t have anything better to respond to my text with other than “yeah” or “k”, don’t respond at all.
Teenagers are excited to tell you how much their clothes cost. Adults are excited to tell you how little their clothes cost.
A local high school here in Springfield is named Kickapoo. Their volleyball shirts read “Fear the ‘Poo.” If that doesn’t strike fear in the heart of opponents I don’t know what does.
I might be chilling, I might be relaxing but I wil never be chillaxin’
I’m a cashier at a pharmacy, and I absolutely could not care less when a customer says, “Jeez that is so expensive! I should just go to Walgreens.” Okay, please go, do you think I fucking care? Why are you still standing here?
I was in the dressing room and the girl next to me said, “The 2 is too big, could you bring me a 0?”. That skinny bitch pretty much stopped me from asking for my size so I had to get redressed to go out and find it myself. I hate her.
I wish there was some way I could sleep on my face, but still be able to breathe. It’s just so comfortable.
If I am going to work and my hair is in a ponytail, it’s not because I think it looks better that way. It’s because my hair is greasy, I got up late, and I didn’t have time to wash it.
Why am I so much more productive when I’m in a foul mood? Someone pisses me off, and I can do a week’s worth of work in 2 hours.
I’ve come to accept the fact that even the nicest descriptions of me will include the words “weird” “strange” or “creepy.”
Slow and steady wins the race. Unless that race is being timed.
I am most smug after having copious amounts of sex in a short span of time.
I hate gum that goes from ‘juicy and delicious’ to ‘gag inducing piece of rubber in my mouth’ in 30 seconds flat.
Forgetting you have a pen in your pocket and then bending over the wrong way so it pokes you in the side makes you realise just how much you’d cry like a little bitch if you ever got stabbed for real.
“Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun.” Well no kidding, Lady Gaga; banging isn’t the same without a penis either, but you don’t hear me singing about the obvious.
Sometimes I get mad at my kid and just want to tell him that Santa Claus isn’t real.
Parents who pick favorites between their children should not be surprised when their favorite child becomes a self-righteous asshole, and their least favorite becomes an alcoholic. No one wins in that game.
Say “It’s the Grand Finale!!!” one more time and you’re getting a sparkler right up the nostril.
1 in 4 Americans don’t know what we are celebrating on the 4th of July. Obviously, when Will Smith and Bill Pullman stopped the aliens from taking over the world. Americans have no sense of history.
I wanna know how the meeting for the formation of Bic went. “Hey guys, I’ve got this great idea for a company that makes cigarette lighters!” “Oh, while we are at it, why don’t we ALSO make one badass mechanical pencil.”
Why is it that the opposite sex tries to get at you like its a do or die mission when you are in a relationship, yet, the second you’re available again, you might as well have the bubonic plague with a side of shit breath.